December 31, 2013

NEW WORD/PHRASE FOR A NEW YEAR!

It's hard to believe that in a few hours we will be saying good bye to 2013 and hello to 2014! This year has flown right by! For the past three years, I have chosen a word that helps to get me through the year. This all started in 2011 after my husband's bout with cancer. I decided that 2011 would be the most positive year of my life thus far, so in 2011, my word for the year was "Positive!" In 2012, I chose the word, "Love!" This past year, I chose a phrase which was, "Let Go!" So with this new year approaching very rapidly, I have decided to choose a phrase once again! My new phrase for 2014 will be:

"Acceptance of Things in which I Cannot Change!"

Not only will I let this new phrase help me through this new year, I will also continue to learn and grow from the past words and phrases that have helped me in the last three years!

If you choose a word or phrase to help you through 2014, I would love to hear about it! Please feel free to leave a comment! Happy New Year to you all!

December 29, 2013

RANDOM THOUGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND!

The older I get the one thing that keeps getting me more and more confused is human relationships. When I was younger, a teenager and even in my 20's and early 30's, I was a fairly social creature. My husband and I would have friends and family to our home for birthday parties and dinners, and once in a while, the invitation would be returned and we would go to the family member's home or our friend's home for the same. In the last few years, this sort of action has ceased. In my family's defense, we no longer can afford to have dinners and parties. However, it seems that once we stopped inviting, the invitations to others homes stopped as well. 

Even now, when I invite friends out for coffee or lunch, they tell me that they would like to go; however, once the invitation is given by me, it seems to be forgotten. For instance, nearly a year ago, I invited a friend to meet me for coffee. She was having some issues, and I thought she might need a friend to talk to. I invited her at the end of March. She told me that she would let me now in mid-April of when would be a good time to meet, because she was very busy. Well, it's now the end of December, and I still have not heard back from her about our coffee date, and I do not feel the need to keep begging. This happens all the time with me. I'll invite someone, and I never hear back.

I'm not sure how to take all these rejections. Maybe, it's just time to find new friends. However, I wouldn't even begin to understand how to do that. My husband seems to believe that people only know us when they need or want something. That seems to be true. However, in the new year, I will have to put all these broken friendships behind me, and just focus on the two people who definitely want me in their lives....my husband and son! 

ONCE YOU GIVE UP THE NEED TO BE ACCEPTED, 

YOUR HEART CAN BEGIN TO HEAL!

Isn't that what we all want? We want to be accepted into that special group of friends or into the extended family. When that doesn't happen. What happens to you? You become heart-broken, bitter, insensitive, rebellious, and possibly even revengeful! Is this truly how you want to live the rest of your life? Do you want to feel needless pain every day? I hope your answer is, "NO!" Once you give up the NEED to be accepted by people who are unwilling to accept you, then that is when your heart can truly heal! 

This has always been a struggle of mine....ACCEPTANCE! I never felt like I "fit in" anywhere including in my own family. For years I would be sucked into pointless drama, and of course, I would always be the one who would get blamed for creating the drama even if I was an innocent bystander. One day a light went off in my head, and I asked my husband, "Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep getting blamed for drama that I don't even start?" My husband's lesson to me that day was, "Because you allow it to happen. You are an easy target, so they (the drama creators) will suck you in and blame you regardless of what you may try to do with good intentions." Hmmmm..........could this be true? Was I allowing the drama into my own life? Of course I was! My need for acceptance, my need to be liked, was creating me pain instead of the happiness that I so wanted to feel. I needed a change. 

What did I do? I stopped! I stopped associating with the people who were constantly sucking me into needless drama and who were constantly blaming me for things in which I had no control over. I stopped NEEDING to be accepted and stopped NEEDING to be liked! If people could not accept me for who I am, then they do not deserve to have me in their life. I had to learn to accept me for who I am.....a loving, caring individual who is so willing to help others, who wants to lift others up from being in the same darkness that I struggled through. Learn to accept yourself then you will no longer NEED to be accepted by people who will never truly accept you for who you are. Find people who want to get to know the real you! Break those chains and be you...be happy without the drama! Once you give up that NEED to be accepted, your heart will mend and heal, and you will find the happiness that you were struggling to find!

BE THE ONE TO BREAK THE CYCLE OF PREJUDICE WITHIN YOUR FAMILY CIRCLE!

Some families hold grudges forever! What you might not realize is that prejudice started a long time ago, and it has been passed down from one generation to the next. It's a never-ending cycle of hate and non-acceptance. If someone doesn't stop this vicious cycle, it will go on for all of eternity. Each family needs at least one member who is willing to step up to the plate and be the once who breaks this cycle of prejudice within your family's walls.

We see this prejudice in so many different ways. Most of the time we see it in the form of a blood relative's spouse. The spouse is rejected and not liked for many different reasons. Some of the reasons I have seen in the past are different religious beliefs, different upbringings, different nationality, different social class, and the list goes on and on. The spouse is then rejected from the family unit which usually indicates the blood relative will also be shunned from family affairs. How sad!

Maybe in the near future, some families will learn to recognize this learned behavior of prejudice that has been passed down from generation to generation. Maybe one day, people will learn to accept each other regardless of their differences. We are all one in God's eyes! We are the same! Be the one in your family who breaks down those walls and be the one who destroys that cycle of prejudice before it's passed down to yet another generation!  

November 24, 2013

Send Me a Quick Comment if You Read My Blog....Please!

Hi Friends! I try to check my stats every day to see how many people are reading my blog. Sometimes I wonder if having a blog is worth it, and then I wonder, "Well, maybe I am helping a few people out there in this big vast world." If you like my blog and if you read my blog, please send me a quick comment by using the comment section below. I would love to hear from you! ♥

November 23, 2013

SOMETIMES IMPORTANT LESSONS TAKE A WHILE TO SINK INTO OUR MINDS!

As you know, I recently faced a health scare. During those six weeks of worrying and stressing, many lessons have been learned. If I would have walked away from such a difficult period, without a few valuable life lessons then the entire process would have been useless. Each trial strengthens us to face tomorrow. 

During my stressful health scare, I reached out to an old friend who recently stopped speaking to me due to myself having a different political perspective than she. My old friend did not want to hear my point of view, so unfortunately, she no longer wanted to be my friend. Well, since I thought I might be facing a life-threatening illness, I reached out to this friend; however, my efforts were pointless. She lashed out at me and told me that I was a manipulator who only wanted people's sympathy. Over the past few weeks since I have received her message, those words keep going through my mind. Am I a manipulator? Do I only want people to feel sorry for me?

Well, I'm not exactly sure about how to answer those questions, but what I have learned is that I truly do need to keep all my personal issues to myself from now on. What was the point of me telling my friends about my tumor? I can answer that. I wanted empathy. I wanted people to care. Looking to the past, it's a constant revolving door that I continually go around. I freak out about something stressful in my life. I try to come up with all types of crazy ways to handle the situation. Then I bombard my friends with MY problems. Problems that are none of their business and which they do not need to know. I truly cannot blame any of them for walking out of my life. If I had to deal with someone like me, I would walk out of my life too. 

So, I have to say that this little health scare was something I definitely needed to go through. I needed to learn that I am capable of dealing with my own issues. Everyone doesn't need to know what I may be facing. Sharing everything that is happening in my life with those on Facebook is a selfish thing to do. It is a thing that I need to stop.  It took a while, but the lesson finally sank into my mind!  

November 21, 2013

LEARN TO PERSEVERE!

In the past six weeks, I have faced more emotions all at once than I did during the entire year that my husband was fighting his battle with cancer. The emotions we feel when a loved one is facing a life-threatening illness is totally different than the emotions we feel when we might be facing a similar situation. When the doctor looked me in the eyes and told me that he felt I had cancer was like I was staring my own mortality in the face, and I had no idea what the outcome was going to be. 

So much has happened in these past six weeks. I quit my second job. Then I beat myself up week after week for quitting that job. I mean, who quits a job without even knowing what they may be facing? Hmmm.....that would be me. Then I started to look at my life and the few people who remain in my life. Then I started to blame myself for all the failed relationships I have faced in my life. I started to question my marriage, and I wondered if I truly was the person who ruined my husband's relationships with his family members. All these emotions were forcing me into a deep pit of darkness and depression. I was starting to feel self-pity, and this was not a place where I wanted to visit again! I already spent enough time in that sea of despair in years gone by.

So, I cried, I became angry, I yelled at the people I love, I became numb, and then those feelings would start all over again. You remember those inspirational sayings that I like to share with others? I didn't want any part of them! The longer I had to wait for my test results, the more those sayings seemed like a bunch of hooey! However, while I was facing all those crazy emotions, my husband never faltered from believing that my tumor was going to come back negative for cancer. And you know what? He was right!

Even though the last six weeks have probably been the most stressful in my entire lifetime, I have learned some valuable life lessons. I learned that God will throw obstacles in our way, such as the possibility of a life-threatening illness, in order to get our attention and to remind us of what is truly important in our lives. While I was working two jobs for the last seven months, I was missing out on precious time with my husband and son. That is precious time that I will never get back. Also, God showed me that those people who we put on pedestals in our lives will be the first ones to let us down. If someone is truly your friend, they will be there with you in your darkest hours. Even if it just means sending you an email or a text message, they will find a way! I have learned that all those past emotions about broken relationships need to be let go and forgotten. I need to cherish the time that I have with the people who love me! 

Learn to persevere through every day of your life regardless of what kind of obstacles are thrown in your path. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do not look back. And as hard as it may sometimes be, keep a positive attitude that everything will work out for the best. If I had believed my own words six weeks ago, I could have saved myself from six weeks of unneeded stress, worry, pain, and agony.  

November 17, 2013

RECOGNIZE YOUR DEPRESSION AND DON'T LET IT  SWALLOW YOU UP!

It's two days after my surgery, and I have to be totally honest with everyone, depression is overtaking me. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, because let's face it, there are millions of people who face what I am facing every single day. In the past two days, only a few people, who I speak to on Facebook, (because that is the only place in my life where I speak to people in the outside world) even bothered to message me to see how I was doing after my surgery. My own mother never even called to find out how my surgery went. Do you know how that makes a person feel? It makes a person feel very alone. Earlier tonight, I looked at my husband, and I told him the following, "No one, besides you and our son, care about me. My own mother doesn't care about me. I could die tomorrow, and not too many people would even care."

I know that this depression is wrong, and I need to get out of it as soon as possible. But a few people, who call themselves my 'friend,' never even remembered my surgery, or if they did, they didn't even bother to say, 'Hey how are you doing?' I look at what I am facing, and I am accepting the fact that if this turns out to be cancer, I am going to have to deal with it all alone. I look at all the stress that I will create for my husband and son, and they do not deserve that! Especially my husband! After dealing with his own cancer, it's so unfair to him if I am diagnosed with cancer. 

Anyway, that is where I am two days after my surgery. I know what some people will think when reading this. They will think, "Don't worry about what you have no control over," or "Why are you worrying if you don't even know if you have cancer or not." Well, my answer to that is, "If you have never been in a situation where you might be facing a life threatening illness then you have no right to judge others who are!" The one thing I do know and the one thing that I can control is the fact that I know that I am in a depression, and I need to get out of it before it swallows me up! 

November 16, 2013

Cherish the people who love you even if they are few!

It's 4:30 am and I am wide awake. Why you might ask? I had my surgery yesterday. I was in dreamland for most of my hours after I got home from my surgery. So, the tumor is out, and we must wait an additional four days for the results. Gotta love all this waiting...that's a joke.

So, what is going through my mind at 4:30 am after the day of my surgery? Friends and family...that is what is going through my mind. Or perhaps I should say, "Lack of friends and family."

I look back 20 years ago, and how my husband and I were surrounded with friends and family. That continued long after the birth of our son. Every year I would invite everyone in our family and all our friends to our son's birthday parties, and most of them came (except for the ones who lived out of state, but we never expected them to attend). For many years I would host huge Christmas parties and once again invite everyone. Those parties turned out to be a huge success.

Then something happened, and I'm not quite sure what it was, but everyone started to hate me, and they no longer wanted to have anything to do with me and/or my family. I think that once my husband became ill that people finally started to show their true feelings toward me. They didn't like me and they never did! I know that is true with my aunt and uncle, because my uncle told me he doesn't like me. Why? I mean, all the parties, the family get-togethers, all the shared vacations. Now, I'm the bad guy and no one likes me.

As I face this impending diagnosis, I realize that I'm going to have to face this alone. The only two people who will help me through this journey are my husband and son. I look back and I have no idea what I did wrong in all my past relationships. When my husband was sick, all I wanted was for people to care and very few did. I really messed up things with my friends and family, and there is nothing I can do to fix any of it. My husband, son, and I will be spending the holidays alone like we have for the past 4 years, and I will have to face a huge battle with the only two people in this world who love me. At least I have them, and for that, I am very blessed!

Cherish the people who love you even if they are few!

November 11, 2013

NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR JOURNEY!

When we are facing difficult situations and our emotions are raging on a daily basis, not everyone is going to understand how we are feeling. To be honest, there are very few people who even want to know how we are feeling. It is easier for people to turn a blind eye to what we may be facing than it is for them to be there with a helping hand. People do not want their perfect little lives interrupted by our misfortune. I have learned over the years that this is okay! We can travel our journey either by ourselves or with the few that God puts in our paths. Not everyone will understand our journey, and not everyone is strong enough to travel along the path that we are forced to take. Don't hold it against them. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and cherish those who come along for the ride!

November 10, 2013

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Have any of you been following my blog, since the doctors found my tumor? Have you been following along with the crazy emotions that I have been feeling? If so, well, I guess I will keep on going with sharing the struggles that my family is facing. In the last week, we've had a few setbacks, and I have to be honest, I felt like giving up. I felt like throwing in the towel even before we know if what we are facing is yet again cancer. Let me rewind a bit.

My biopsy was performed on Thursday, October 31. My results were supposed to be in on Monday, November 4. Well, I went to work on Monday and stared at the clock for what seemed like every minute. Waiting for that work day to end was brutal! Trust me when I say that by the time my scheduled appointment with my doctor finally arrived, I was ready to hear the results regardless of what they were!

The doctor walked into the room shakes my husband's hand, sits down, and proceeds to tell me, "Well, from the results we received from this biopsy report shows that you do not have any cancer; however,"...However? When you state "however" in the middle of your sentence, you just cancelled out everything you just said before that "however!" It's the same with the word "but." Back to the the doctor's statement, "However, I would like for you to get a second biopsy. I don't want you to have cancer. Please know that; however, (there's that damn word again) I've had three other radiologists look at my findings from your ultrasound, and we all agree that the findings from the ultrasound and the pathology report do not match. We strongly feel that you really need to have a second biopsy done, or better yet, you can have the entire tumor taken out and tested for an even more accurate report." So, there you have it! There are my test results! You are asking, "What test results?" Exactly! I don't have any yet! The final report read inconclusive needs more tissue for a more accurate reading.

Fast forward to today: In the last several days, I have been overtaken with a sea of emotions. One day I want to fight like hell and keep moving forward! Then the next day something will happen, and I will want to throw in the towel. For instance, on Friday, I received a letter from my surgeon's office, and they are requesting a sum of $314.00 up front on the day of my surgery. Really! What the hell! Since my husband's bout with cancer, my family has no savings! I don't have an extra $314.00 laying around the house for an emergency fund! This news sent me into a whirlwind of panic! What was I going to do!

My first thought was, "Screw it! I will just skip the surgery, and just have a second biopsy done." I didn't need any money up front whenever I had my first biopsy done. Then the second thought that came to my mind was, "Yeah, but what if they can't get any tissue samples again? What if I go through a second biopsy and all that pain and the results still come back inconclusive?" So, I had to put on my thinking hat, and I thought, "Yes! I will try to sell some of my personal belongings. So, I put up a little message on Facebook about the struggle I was facing, and I posted some pictures of the items I was willing to sell. The more I thought about trying to sell my stuff to my friends on Facebook the more furious I became! It isn't my Facebook friends responsibility to bail us out of our problems! It's not their fault if we don't have the money for a surgery! That is mine and my husband's responsibility! However, we have no money. All of our savings went toward my husband's medical bills. What was I going to do, so I went to bed on Friday night pissed off at the world and everyone in it!

I awoke Saturday morning in the same mood. Angry! What was going through my mind? I was thinking, "Why are some families worthy of help while others struggle their asses off and sometimes lose everything in the end? Why do our friends and family members walk out of our lives when we need them the most? Why don't people want to help people any longer?" I was getting more pissed off the more I thought about it. I was getting pissed off at the people I knew on Facebook who were asking for donations to fund vacations for themselves. Hell, if people were doing that, why am I feeling so guilty about asking people to buy my stuff? My husband and I had a little chat, and we both came up with a solution or a hopeful solution. We will try to have a yard sale on Monday since it's a holiday, in order to try to raise some money for my surgery. Every little bit will help!

So, that is where we are today. No results yet and no money for my surgery! One day at a time, and I will keep moving forward!

LESSONS LEARNED! (Again!)

If there is a day that goes by when we don't learn a lesson, then we are not paying attention to what the Universe is trying to teach us. I know, I know! I sound like a broken record. I've said this exact same thing in previous posts. However, it is the truth! Each day brings valuable lessons, but we need to be receptive to these lessons. 

So, what kind of lessons did I learn today? I have learned that there is no need to reach out to people whom God has closed the door on and has blocked completely out of our lives. If they were not right for us in the past, why would we think that they would be compatible with us in the NOW? Some people are not meant to stay our friends forever! People change and that is okay! Not everyone is going to like us forever. I have accepted this lesson, and I am leaving certain people in the past where God wanted them. There is no need to tell those people about the problems that we are facing today. If those people were nasty with you in the past, chances are that they will be nasty with you in the NOW regardless of the dark situation you may be facing.

Another lesson I have learned today is there are people in the world who think the world of you! Sometimes we forget this fact. God has a way of reminding us of this fact when we feel that we are all alone in this world. We are not! There is at least one person in this world who loves you dearly! You should remind yourself of this fact every single day!

One last lesson for this day! When we are facing a struggle, a dark cloud, a troubling situation....whatever you want to call it.....don't think negatively about your circumstances. As humans, we sometimes tend to think that the worst is going to happen. We immediately want to tell everyone what we are facing. We want sympathy from our friends and family members. We want people to care what we may have to face in the near future. However, what if we never have to face the circumstances that we invent in our own minds. So, the last lesson I learned today is we don't have to share every detail of what we are facing with everyone around us. Once we receive the final outcome then we can share the information with our loved ones, but why worry them if the sun shines through our dark tunnel more quickly than we anticipated! 

November 2, 2013

NOT EVERYONE CARES!

It is a sad truth that we all must face, not everyone cares anything about us or what we may have to face! Hell! Not everyone is even going to like us! It doesn't matter how nice we are to people, and it doesn't matter how many time we try to make our wrongs right, there are people out there who could give a rat's ass about us! And these wonderful people in our lives will lash out at us and call us all kinds of names and derogatory comments when we are at our lowest points.

I'm not sure about you, but I am over these types of people! I'm am tired of laying my heart on the line and trying to make my wrongs right just to be emotionally bashed by some cruel, hateful, insensitive person. This time I'm calling it as I see it. That person who bashes others when they are at their lowest points in life have serious problems of their own. I will no longer internalize it and beat myself up over it. It is simply their opinion of me, and there is nothing written in stone that their opinion is right! 

It has taken me 40 years to realize that I am a wonderful person! If others cannot see that, then that is their loss. Am I being conceited? No! I am finally starting to recognize my self-worth! I suggest that you do the same thing! Don't listen to those evil people! God created you to be you! So, NEVER let anyone stop you! God bless you all!

November 1, 2013

FEELINGS THE DAY AFTER THE BIOPSY

Well, I have to be honest; I feel a lot worse today than I did yesterday. I'm glad I listened to the doctor and my husband and took another day off work. You might be wondering...what are your symptoms right now? Nausea, light headedness, head ache, soreness. Seriously, it's not anything to be worried about, and I'm still glad I went through with the biopsy. Dealing with these symptoms is a lot better than not knowing whether the tumor inside my chest is cancerous or not. Even though I don't know the results yet, I know that they are on their way, and in three days, I will know if I can go on living my life as normal or if my family's life will be temporarily side-tracked until I get well again.

So, what am I thinking of at this very moment? Well, I am thinking about how some of my "friends" forgot all about my biopsy. I only told a handful of people about my biopsy and when it was going to take place. Only half remembered and messaged me to ask me how it went. Am I angry that the other half forgot? No! I know that some of them are going through their own struggles, and they have a lot on their own minds. Am I going to remind them about my biopsy? No, they do not need to be bombarded with my issues.

In the meantime, while I am waiting for Monday to get here, so I can finally get the results of this thing, I am thinking of different things I can do if this thing turns out to be cancer. The one thing I am thinking about is if I get a positive outcome, I will donate my hair to "Locks of Love!" If I am going to lose my hair anyway, why not donate it to help children who may be facing similar struggles. I just have to figure out if I have enough hair to donate. Ten inches is the minimum requirement to donate. I will have to measure it! Onward and upward! 

October 31, 2013

FEELINGS AFTER THE BIOPSY!

Funny how this blog started out as a means to stay positive after my husband's battle with cancer, and now, it's turned into a journal to help me through my battle with.....well, I'm not quite sure what to call it yet. We will find out on Monday if it's something to be worried about or not. However, a tumor is a tumor and it's extremely stressful to deal with. This week leading up to today has been an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm happy and smiling, the next angry with a scowl on my face, and then it will lead to tears running down my face. However, I guess this is normal for anyone facing that they may have cancer.

Today was my biopsy, and I have to be honest that it wasn't as bad as what you may hear. It was not painful, and the only thing I felt throughout the procedure was forceful pressure. Now that I am back home, I am a bit sleepy, so I've decided to spend the afternoon on the couch. So, if you need to have a biopsy done, but you've been putting it off because you are afraid that it's going to hurt, go get it done! It's truly not that bad!

So, now we have another four days to wait until we get the test results. I don't like it that the town I live in takes so long to get test results back. I wish I could have the results before the weekend, but just as my husband waited for his results, I will have to wait for mine. In the meantime, I'm going to surround myself with things I like. One of those things is butterflies, so that is the reason there are butterflies on this post. 

October 29, 2013

RANDOM RAMBLINGS WHILE I WAIT FOR MY BIOPSY IN TWO DAYS...

For God only knows how long I have been walking around with a tumor in my chest, and I didn't even know it was there! This is similar to what my husband was going through before he was diagnosed with his cancer four years ago. He was going to the doctors for a tick bite! We never thought that he had a tumor inside his stomach and esophagus. Then I go for my very first mammogram to find out that I have a tumor inside my chest wall behind my right breast. 

My husband and I were having a conversation tonight while we were waiting for our dinner to finish baking. I told him how strange it was that when I didn't know about the tumor that I never thought twice about the pains I would feel. From time-to-time, I would get a sensation like a stabbing knife was going through my chest, but the sensation would leave as quickly as it would come. Several times while visiting the doctor I would tell her of this pain in my chest, but she never seemed too concerned, because every EEG or other medical test she sent me for always came back negative. Now that I know about the tumor, the pain in my chest seems to have intensified. My husband explained to me that now that I am aware of the tumor, my senses have become heightened.

It truly amazes me that for the past seven months I have been working two jobs and upwards of 60 plus hours each week, and during that time period, I would have never guessed that a tumor was growing inside of me. If I have one regret about working two jobs, it is that I lost so much valuable time with my husband and son. Time that I will never get back! Yes, I needed to work two jobs in order to pay the bills, but to be honest, our financial situation is no better off now than it was before I started working two jobs. Time with our loved ones is extremely precious, and we should never take it for granted.

I am a day closer to my biopsy, and today was much easier to get through than yesterday except for the pain I felt after I sat down after I put dinner in the oven. It truly felt like a ton of bricks was sitting on my chest, and it was a little difficult to breath, but I pushed through it.

One last ramble, and I am done for tonight. Some people will never understand your journey, because they have never had to walk your path in life. Some people will walk away from us during our trying times in life. We are sometimes the ones who walk away. Don't take things too personally! Everyone is fighting his or her own demons! God Bless!

October 28, 2013

RAGING EMOTIONS!

So, we are getting closer to the day of my biopsy. Thank God! All I can say is my emotions are going insane! One minute I am getting teary eyes and the next I feel like I could rip someone's head off in anger. I can truly say that I have not had that, "Why me" moment. Why not me? Thousands of people face this type of stress every single day, so what makes me any different? Why should I be exempt? This type of stress is something my family knows all too well. The waiting. The anxiety. The stress. The avoidance from others. Avoiding others.

I have been putting up walls around me. Blocking people out. Some people seem extremely judgmental lately, or perhaps it's just me taking things very personally because of my heightened emotions. I don't even think that some people will realize that I've blocked them out of my life. One statement that someone made to me while my husband was ill keeps coming back to haunt me, "People have their own lives to live, and we cannot be burdened by what you are going through on a daily basis." My struggles, my hurts, my pains, my weaknesses are not anyone else's responsibility but my own. It would be extremely selfish of me to burden others with my daily problems.

Maybe this blog will help me to help someone else who may be going through a similar situation. Please know that you are not alone. Even though I have made up my mind that if this thing in my chest turns out to be something serious that I will be facing the outcome alone with only the help from my husband and son. I do not plan on telling many people and some may only find out from reading this blog. It's my problem and my problem alone, so I will deal with it and the other circumstances that may follow.....alone! That does not mean that you should deal with your problems alone. Everyone is different, so everyone has to do what is right for himself or herself. What may be right for me, may not be right for you! Only you know what you should do! These are only my emotions and right now they are raging!

October 25, 2013

IF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS, 
SO AM I!!!

If you have been following my blog from the very beginning, then you know that I started this blog to remain positive the year after my husband's bout with cancer. I was determined to have the most positive year of my life. Each day I would post an inspirational saying or message in order to keep my spirits high. Some days were easier than others to find the positive, but for one complete year, I did it! 

Then as the time has been passing by and my family has been trying to get back on our feet financially, we have been struck with yet another trial to overcome. You are probably thinking that it is my husband; however, this time, it is me. 

On October 14, I went for my very first mammogram. Since health care policies are changing at the beginning of 2014, my doctor thought it was very important for me to get a mammogram done before the end of this year. So, I scheduled it and had it taken care of on October 14. Two days later, I got a telephone call that I needed to return to the radiology clinic to have more images taken, because something was seen in my right breast. So, on October 23, I returned for a second mammogram as well as an ultrasound, where once again there was something seen in my right breast. 

I have been through so many doctors appointments with my husband that I knew it wasn't a good sign when the radiologist walks into the room, sits down on the chair in front of you, takes your hands, looks deep into your eyes, and says, "I'm sorry, but we found something that is definitely not a syst. Your next step is to have a biopsy."

Really?!?! What the hell?!?! This can't be! It just seems like yesterday that my family just finished up my husband's treatments. So, what is the next step for me? A biopsy on Halloween and then I will receive the results on November 4. 

In the meantime, I have people saying to me, "It's okay. Everything will be okay. Don't worry." Really! Do you not worry when you are stressed out about something in your life. Why am I not allowed to experience my emotions? Why am I supposed to keep my emotions suppressed? It's because most of them have no idea what I may be facing! They have never been through anything even close to this, but I have! I know that if this biopsy comes back positive that my family is about to, once again, book a trip on that run-away freight train, and I don't like it one bit!

I will keep you posted.

June 25, 2013

Life Lessons Teach us to Change, to Grow, and to Become Better Beings!!!

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the people who have walked out of my life because of who I used to be in the past. One time someone even told me how they didn't know my husband anymore, because he wasn't the same person he was when he was growing up and living at home with his parents. Well, I have to say that I am glad I am not the same person who I used to be when I was living at home with my parents. I was a child back then, and I was naive and my views of the world and people were very limited. If I were still the same person at 40 years of age who I was at 18 years of age, then I would have never learned any of life's valuable lessons.

With each new day and as the years pass by, we become different beings. We hurt, we struggle, we learn, and we grow. Life forges us into new creatures every single day. If a day goes by and if we have not learned a lesson, then we are not paying attention to what life is trying to teach us. I am grateful for who I used to be, because it led me to who I am today; however, the person I am today will lead me to who I will be tomorrow! Ever-changing! Ever-learning! Ever-growing!

March 17, 2013

CRYING CLEANSES THE SOUL!

Have you ever heard the saying that crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you have remained strong by yourself for too long. Did you ever notice how relieved you feel after a good cry? For me, it's like a ton of bricks have been removed from my shoulders. A good cry releases our stresses and cleanses our soul!

Lately, I feel as if I have been crying every single day. Looking back at my life and how many people were part of it and looking at it now where only a few people remain causes a good cry every once in a while. Crying also releases the stress of daily pressures, such as bills, disappointments, and expectations being shattered. However, tears can come from joy as well or a movie that pulls at your heart strings. 

Crying is natures way of cleansing the soul! So, if you find yourself pushed into a corner and if you are having trouble dealing with day-to-day circumstances, then sit down and have yourself a good cry. If you are anything like me, you will feel much better after the tears have fallen. Cry, release the stress and the burdens, and cherish a new day!

March 8, 2013

NO MATTER HOW STRESSFUL LIFE BECOMES, 

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

If you have been following my blog for a while, then you know it started out soon after my husband finished his last round of chemotherapy and radiation treatments and after he was completely healed from his major surgery. This blog was to help me have the most positive year of my life in 2011. See up till that point in my life, I wasn't a very positive person. From years of living with a negative mother who thinks that Hell is on Earth, some (or maybe I should say a lot) of her negativity rubbed off onto me. However, in December of 2010, I made up my mind that I was going to change my way of thinking during the year of 2011, and I would be grateful and positive about having my husband by my side for another year! I will admit that the last 3 1/2 years since my husband was diagnosed with cancer have been full of stress and anxiety; however, I have learned that we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we have to keep moving forward!

Last night my husband and I had a heart-to-heart conversation about how these last 3 1/2 years have affected us financially as well as emotionally. Not only has my wonderful husband been through a tremendous change physically, and he went through tremendous amounts of pain throughout his healing process, and he went though many years of rehabilitation to get close to his normal amount of strength back, but now, I see my husband facing another level of pain.....the pain that stress creates from not being able to pay your monthly bills from all the accumulated debt from our medical expenses. The ironic thing about this is that it's like my husband and I have traded places. Years ago, I would have been the one stressing about money and stressing if the bills were getting paid on time; however, now in present day, my husband has taken that role, and I try not to think about it. I told him that I cannot think about our financial crisis that we are now facing, because it would cause me to go insane. I have to put it out of my mind, take each day one-by-one, and pray that I am able to pay our monthly bills when they come due.  

Last night it pained me to hear my husband tell me how he feels that our little family of three is secluded on a deserted island, and we are all alone. Let me elaborate a little bit. Since my husband's illness all of our friends and family members have turned their backs and have walked out of our life. Now, you may think I am exaggerating. Well, unfortunately that is not an exaggeration. No one visits us at our home, and we visit no one, because we are never invited to anything....and when I say anything......I mean anything! It's just the three of us all the time! Now, some of our friends may read this, and they may get offended, because they are sitting there thinking, "Hey! I'm your friend. We talk on Facebook all the time." Well, my friend, you may talk to me on Facebook on a regular basis, but when was the last time you sat down with my husband and I and had a face-to-face conversation? The answer to that is probably never or a very long time ago. 

As my family moves through this crisis and as I try to figure out a way to lesson the financial burden on my husband's shoulders, all I can encourage my husband to do is keep moving forward! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and only take each day as we are blessed with it. 

March 1, 2013

BEING LABELED A "BLACK SHEEP" ISN'T ALWAYS A BAD THING!

Let's face it! Every family has a "Black Sheep!" However, as I have been thinking about this topic for the past several days, it dawned on me that being labeled a "Black Sheep" isn't necessarily a bad thing. For instance, I was always labeled the black sheep of the family, because I chose a different path in life than what my siblings had chosen. The path I chose was the path of less drama, less chaos, and less gossiping, and when I took this path, I no longer had a place within the extended family unit. However, that is wonderful, because this "Black Sheep" has learned that life isn't about negativity! Life is truly what we make it, and I choose a positive life. 

So, being labeled the "Black Sheep" has made me appreciate what is important in life! One of those important things in life is to love and cherish the people in your life who do not label you and who do not judge you, but who accept you for who you are!

The next time someone calls you the "Black Sheep" of the family tell them "thank you" and go about your day with a smile on your face and a spring in your step! Why should we try to fit in when we were born to stand out! 

February 27, 2013

GIVE WITHOUT HAVING ANY EXPECTATIONS OF EVER GETTING ANYTHING IN RETURN!

Do you set yourself up for disappointments? Maybe, you are wondering what I actually mean. Do you get upset when people don't do what you "think" they should do, or if they do not react how you "feel" they should react? Recently, I learned a valuable life lesson that I was setting myself up for many disappointments in life. My feelings would become extremely hurt if people would not care about my family like I might care about their family. Depression would overtake my soul if friends and family members would not treat my family like I might treat them. Sometimes our expectations of others only lead to disappointments.

In the past few years, my feelings have become crushed, because my family was not invited to any kind of family functions. There have been birthday parties for our nieces and nephews, there have been baby showers, there have been weddings, and who knows what other functions that my family was never invited to. When my family found out about these functions, the feeling of exclusion overtook me. I began to sink into a dark, deep hole. However, what I didn't realize during that time was that I was setting myself up for my own disappointment. Just because I may invite everyone I knew for any kind of function that my husband and I may be able to host does not mean that others will include our family in their affairs. Just because I might be willing to go an extra mile for a friend or family member does not mean that anyone would ever be willing to go the extra mile for me. I needed to learn to accept this truth, so I could heal and move on with my life.

Having expectations for other people may only lead us to our own disappointment. Always remember that just because we may be willing to do for others does not mean that those people will ever do for us. Give without having any expectations of ever getting anything in return!

February 24, 2013

ONLY LOVE CAN DISTINGUISH HATE!

Do you have people in your life who don't like you very well? Are there people who stay away from your immediate family members because of the way they feel about you? These are a few of the things I have gone through in my own life. One thing we want in our lives is to be accepted by our extended family members; however, sometimes this does not happen. For instance, when I was born, many of my half-siblings were not too happy that I came into the world. For years, I had to be surrounded by their hate and animosity. I never understood while I was young why my brothers and sisters hated me, so as time went by I accepted their hate on a personal level, and I began to blame myself for why my brothers and sisters stayed away from my mother and father.

There were many times in my life where I was angry and resentful toward my siblings for not accepting me as part of the family. Instead of being accepting of their feelings toward me, I tried to force them to like me. I tried to force them to treat me like a sister. I was notorious for starting arguments and creating drama. What I didn't realize is I was treating the situation in the wrong manner. Hate cannot be distinguished by the return feelings of hate. Hate can only be squelched by love! ♥

Today, I don't have an extended family. However, I don't feel hatred, resentment, anger, or animosity toward my extended family members who have chosen not to accept me. Instead, I send them all peace, blessings, and lots of love, and I wish them the best in their lives. There is one thing that my husband has taught me in the 23 years that we have been together, and that is we cannot force people to love us or even to like us. However, that doesn't mean that we have to return those unkind feelings. The late, great Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that!"

Please Join Our New Book Club!

Hi Friends,

Are you looking for an interactive online community to share your knowledge of inspirational books?
Then please join our new Inspirational Sayings & Blessings Book Club!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Inspirational-Sayings-Blessings-Book-Club/605832949430691?ref=hl

February 12, 2013

LETTING GO CREATES PEACE WITHIN!

What are you holding on to that is causing you pain? Is it unforgiveness, resentment, anger, animosity, or any other negative feeling that is taking control of who you are? What can you let go of that is taking up too much space within your mind? Once you let go of all the negative, a peace will take up residence within your soul. Let go and welcome the peace within!

For most of my life, I was holding on to situations and circumstances that were not beneficial to my well-being. Holding on to all that negativity was causing me great stress as well as depression and unhappiness. At the start of 2013, I decided that my motto for the year would be, "Let go!" Let go of what you might ask? Anything that does not serve or help me in a positive way. 

Do you know what has happened since I have "Let go?" My mind is no longer preoccupied with incessant negative thoughts. I no longer try to be part of different social groups. I have finally accepted how others feel about me. Fitting in no longer seems very important. I am happier, the depression has ceased, I laugh more, I smile more, I no longer care so much what other people think, especially about me, I have accepted me for who I am. I have finally "Let Go!" Try it and find your peace within! ♥

February 9, 2013

LIFE LESSONS CAN BE LEARNED EVERY SINGLE DAY IF YOU ARE RECEPTIVE TO WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO TEACH YOU!

Do you fight the same battles day after day or year after year? Do you find yourself going around the same mountain all the time? I learned a little lesson about a year ago, and that is we will face the same battles over and over again until we are ready to accept and learn the lesson. This lesson has helped me immensely, and some very old wounds have finally healed. Life lessons can be learned every single day; however, you need to be receptive to what the Universe is trying to teach you!

For many years, I could never figure out why I would always get sucked into other people's drama. I was constantly being blamed for situations in which I had no control over. Then one day I was reading Mike Dooley's, Infinite Possibilities, and he said what I said above. We will continue facing the same battle until we are ready to learn the lesson. Then as time progressed I could understand why I was facing the same battles and going through very similar situations on a regular basis. It was because I was failing to learn the lesson each time I faced the same battle. Then I learned how to walk away from the drama, and how to not allow negative situations into my life. I had finally learned the lesson.

If you are finding yourself in similar circumstances where it seems that you are facing the same hardships over and over again, maybe the Universe is trying to get your attention and trying to teach you a lesson. Open up and become receptive to what the Universe (God) is trying to teach you! ♥

February 5, 2013

 LET GO OF WHO YOU USED TO BE, AND EMBRACE WHO YOU HAVE BECOME!

Have you made mistakes in your past? Of course, you have! We all have! It's part of being human! It's part of learning and growing! Without our mistakes, we could never figure out who we don't want to be, and we could never emerge into the beautiful, changed being of our future! Let go of who you used to be, and embrace who you have become!

May I tell you a little secret? There are people in this world who will never recognize you for who you are today. They will criticize and ridicule you for who you once were. Do you know what you need to do when this happens? You need to walk away from those negative beings! You need to respect yourself enough that you are no longer going to allow the thoughts of others to affect your life! If they cannot forgive you for the mistakes you made in the past and if you have truly proven that you have become someone new, then all you can do is forgive yourself for your past mistakes and move on! You no longer need to prove your worth to anyone else!

Our past mistakes are merely stepping stones which have led us to where we are today! Do not judge yourself and never allow others to judge you for who your once were! You no longer live in the past, and you no longer have to pay for the mistakes you once made! Haven't you suffered long enough? Let go of the past, forgive yourself and those who judge you, and embrace the new you!