Thursday, August 16, 2012

August 16, 2012


Self-doubt has been my Achilles heel for most of my life. Even when I am good at something, I will tell myself that I am not "good enough." Where do you think this self-doubt stems from? It could stem from growing up in a family in which I was never "good enough" and in which I could never do anything right. However, I moved away from my parent's home when I was 19 years old, and only moved back briefly for a short few months while planning my wedding. Why after 20 years do I still struggle with this inner demon?

Perhaps my expectations of myself are too high! Perhaps I compare myself too often with what others accomplish. If I were to step back and take a wide, angle view of everything I have accomplished in life, then I should be darn proud! Sure things are not as I thought they would be! Never in a million years did I ever think that my husband would be diagnosed with cancer at the age of 37. Never did I think that our savings would be completely depleted, and we would be living from paycheck to paycheck. However, what I should be looking at is how we managed to keep the mortgage paid while my husband was sick, and how we managed to keep food on the table so we wouldn't starve. Sure we are in a tremendous amount of debt, but so are a lot of other people. Negative circumstances in which you have no control over can make you have self-doubt! You will start blaming yourself for things that you had no control over! When that happens, kick those feelings of self-doubt to the curb!

It might take my family a long time to dig out from all that debt that we are in; however, I would rather do that with my husband by my side and cancer-free than to have to do it all alone. There will be times in your life when self-doubt will creep in, and it will try to get the better of you. When that happens, kick it to the curb! Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time! But whatever you do, don't stop trying!

Monday, August 13, 2012

August 13, 2012


For the past four years, it seems that my family has been facing one struggle or hardship right after the other. We no sooner get through one hurdle, and we are immediately faced with another. It seems like for the last 22 years, since my husband and I met each other, we have been faced with so many different obstacles, and there never seems to be an end in sight. The last four years have been the worse. Let me back track a little bit, and tell you what all we have faced in the last four years. 

First my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and I had to take a leave of absence from my job in order to take her to her radiation and chemotherapy treatments. She even moved in with my family while she was undergoing treatment. Shortly after she moved back to her own house, my back was injured which resulted in me having to give up a job that I truly loved which was working in a juvenile detention center. Due to my back injury, I could no longer participate in physical restraints which was a requirement for the job. This back injury caused me to be out of work for nine months which negatively affected our financial situation. However, in September of 2009, I got an awesome job working in a daycare center. Two months later, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. Six months into this job, I was forced by my manager to quit, because of the time I wanted to take off when my husband was to undergo his major surgery due to the cancer. Then last summer on August 15, I totaled my car. I was very lucky to walk away from that accident; however, once again our finances were affected. The car insurance would not cover the total expense of the car, so my family had to pay six months worth of car payments until our car, which we didn't have any longer, was completely paid off. Then fast forward to this summer, and we are facing remodeling our bathroom which was not in our budget, and extreme financial destruction from the past several years of negative struggles and hardships.

Now, some people will read this and say, "You don't have anything to complain about! You are blessed!" They are right! I am blessed, and there is one thing I am not going to do anymore! What is that one thing? I am not going to complain any longer, and I am refusing to accept negativity into my life any longer! My family has had enough! I am releasing the negativity! I am releasing the struggles! I am releasing the hardships! No longer will I accept this negativity into my life!

If you are facing hard times, struggles, hardships, and negativity; maybe, you need to release these into the Universe. Let them go and do not accept them back as part of your life! Release them and watch your life change!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

August 7, 2012


When your family members start to break down one-by-one, you know that the Universe has dealt you way too much! Have you ever sat back and asked yourself how much a human soul can take? I have! Many times! I have broken down way more than my husband and son, and I have screamed into the sky, "How much more do you want me to take?" It's one thing to break down yourself, but have you ever watched your spouse break down?

If you have been reading my blog, you know that my husband has battled cancer. He literally went through hell. So many people turned their backs on him during the most difficult time in his life. He faced cancer alone other than having myself and our son by his side. Do you know how hard that was for him? I know it was difficult for me to watch and it hurt me tremendously, so I can only imagine the amount of pain he went through.

Now, this bathroom from hell project has my entire family tired, exhausted, and seriously questioning what we have done wrong in order to be dealt more punishment. As my husband was standing in the bathroom (or what's left of it) tonight, he broke down. The tears started flowing out, and they wouldn't stop. 

I was helpless. What could I do to help? The only thing I could do was be there for him and support him through this challenging time. All I can do is give him the love that he so deserves and to be by his side day by day as we tackle one board after another.

When someone you love is at their wits end, be there for them, love them, and give them the support that they need. Sometimes, all a person needs is to know that they are still loved!