Friday, May 25, 2012



Since Easter, I have been very down and concerning myself with people who never concern themselves with me. My thoughts were consumed in gloom and doom, and I was truly feeling sorry for myself. I was wasting so much of my precious time thinking about people who never think about me. Do you know what happened? I took away precious time from people who truly did care about me, and in the process, I lost a near and dear friend without having the chance to say good bye.

In the past 39 years of my life, I have been obsessed with the people who reject me. I have been engrossed in trying to figure out why these people don't want to be my friend and a part of my life. I put those people who truly do care about me on hold while I was lost in my own mind trying to make things clear. Well, today, the day after I lost one of my dearest friends, things are clear. All those people who rejected me do not matter! If they do not want me in their lives, I cannot force them to accept me, and I shouldn't even waste my time trying. However, those people who were there for me and my family during our darkest days are valuable gems, and I lost a precious diamond yesterday.

I knew something wasn't right. I saw the writing on the wall, but I ignored it. Just a few days ago, I thought to myself, I need to get in touch with my friend, but I let the thought go. I thought, "I'll do that tomorrow." Tomorrow came and it was too late! My friend was gone, and I never had the chance to say good bye. 

Don't waste your precious time and don't concern yourself with people who are unwilling to concern themselves with you! Move on and focus on those who truly care about you! Don't rob yourself of valuable time with those who mean the most! Let go of those who reject you and make room for those who love you!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

May 20, 2012


Since Easter, I have had myself in a deep, dark hole of depression. It really started the weekend after Easter when my family found out that we had not been invited to my husband's cousin's wedding, but everyone else in the family had been invited and had attended. The wedding my family was to know nothing about became plastered all over Facebook for everyone to see. By the looks on everyone's faces a good time was had by all. However, my husband had a different look on his face; a look of hurt and pain. This is when my depression kicked in. I started to blame myself once again for my husband being excluded from family functions. Because his family does not like me, they will not invite my husband to any family functions. They do not want to be around me, so my husband gets left out. This pains me to my very core of existence. The following thought has been going through my mind for a month now, "The only way my husband will be able to have a relationship with his family is if I am gone."

I'm not exactly sure why I have trouble with these reoccurring thoughts. However, each time I decide to drag myself up out of that hole of depression God sends me the same message, "You are not the problem! Didn't you learn the lesson I was trying to teach you when I asked you to plan that Easter dinner? What is it going to take to get you to see the lesson that I want and need you to learn? If you were the problem, you would have never followed my instructions to plan and host that Easter dinner! You proved to yourself and to your husband's family that you are NOT the one keeping them away from each other! They are keeping themselves away from each other, but they blame you."

Isn't it funny what you learn when you turn on the light, when you crawl out of that dark cave, and you get quiet and listen to that little inner voice that resides from within. I already knew this, but I took those words down into the caverns of despair, and I buried them there and forgot them for a while. I'm not sure why it matters to me so much that my husband's family does not like me. I don't think I really care that they dislike me, I just don't like how they don't treat my husband as part of the family. I guess it stems from being an outcast in my own family, and I don't want my husband to go through what I have been though. Family is so important; however, I cannot force them to accept us.

Whatever you may be facing, whatever has you in that hole of depression, face it head on and don't keep yourself hidden for too long. God made you who you are for a purpose, and if you are unwilling to crawl out of that hole, you are wasting God's talents that he blessed you with. Take one step at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time, and crawl out of that dark hole you may have yourself in!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

May 10, 2012


How do you treat yourself on a daily basis? How do you feel about yourself? Do you look in the mirror and say, "Wow! Look at that amazing person!" or do you put yourself down and beat up on yourself? Do you find life hard and do you struggle trying to find happiness? You might be getting in the way of yourself! Step out of your way, and become your own best friend!

I have to admit that I used to be my own worst enemy. If an enemy came against me, I would magnify and multiply any negative thing they may have said to me. I would think about their words over and over again, and then I would agree with the lies even though those nasty words were not true. I would get myself into deep, dark depressions for very long periods of time. I would make those around me miserable because of my doldrums. I was constantly searching for happiness through meaningless objects, and what I didn't even realize is that the "what" might make you happy for a little while; however, the "who" can help you to find that happiness that already resides within you.

I had to learn to like myself, because other people are not going to like me if I can't stand me. I had to realize that those nasty, rude words that other people were saying to me were only a reflection of the inner soul of the person who was saying them. I had to realize that I am a child of God! I had to understand that I DO have a purpose in life! I had to cherish the life that God gave me. I had to become grateful for what He had already given me. I had to finally accept myself for who God made me to be! I had to get out of that negative thinking pattern, and I had to transform my mind. In essence, I had to get out of my own way, and I had to become the best friend that I always wanted to have, and I had to learn to become my own best friend! 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

May 8, 2012


How much of your time do you waste thinking about time long gone? Do you let your thoughts of yesterday ruin your today? I know in the last month I have been living more in the past than in the present. I was allowing those thoughts to overtake my emotions, and I have not been a very pleasant person to be around. I was letting those old, negative thought patterns to rule over my life once again. I have to get out of the past and cherish each of my days in the NOW! 

In the past, I have had issues with such things as inferiority complex...a thing I like to call "the not 'good enough' syndrome" as well as low self-esteem, and self-doubt. I truly have been my own worst enemy. I would beat up on myself long after my enemies ripped me apart emotionally. I would just add my own self-inflicted injury to their insults. And this is what I started doing again in this last month that I have not been writing my blog. 

I was taking people's rejection of me way too personally. Instead of accepting that some people will never be my friend no matter what good I try to do, I was trying to think of ways to sabotage my own life just to make people I very rarely see happy. I was allowing the feelings of a few outweigh the needs of my own immediate family. I had to put myself in the shoes of my husband and son, and I had to take a walk in their shoes. I had to change my perspective, and I had to start listening to the words my husband has been telling me for years. The only people who matter are the three people who reside in our home: my husband, my son, and myself! No outside forces shall come against us, and I would be a complete idiot to allow any outside forces to ruin what took us 22 years to build. 

It's time for me to get out of the past and to live in the present! It is time for me to LOVE each day and cherish the two people I LOVE and who LOVE me the most in the world! 

Friday, May 4, 2012

May 4, 2012


I am hoping to get a little interaction with the question I just posted. This is a question that I have been trying to figure out for quite a few years now. In the past several years, I have had many people bring personal attacks against me, and during those attacks they have screamed some very vicious words at me. My question to you is: How do you get over hurtful words?

The words which have hurt me worst are:

"She's an illegitimate bastard, and you should have gotten an abortion!" (Words my sister told my mother about me.)

"Who is the father of your child?" (A question that was asked of me by four different people after the birth of my and my husband's son. Seems a member of the family spread a nasty rumor that my husband was not the father of our son. A VICIOUS, HORRIBLE LIE!!!) How do I get over that?

"You are a big pile of shit and everybody in my family hates you!" How do I get over those words.

and most recently:

"You are the problem! You keep your husband away from his family!" Another statement that is NOT true, but how do I get over these hurtful words!

It's easy to say "Let them go!" or "They are only words!" Truly it is easier said than done! Those people who say to get over it never have lived a day in my life. They have never walked a mile in my shoes. They have no idea how I internalize everything that is said to me, and I end up taking things extremely personally. 

All I know is I have been trying to get over some of these words for many years, but I still have not mastered this skill. So, I ask you, my online friends, how do I get over these hurtful words???