Thursday, October 31, 2013

October 31, 2013


Funny how this blog started out as a means to stay positive after my husband's battle with cancer, and now, it's turned into a journal to help me through my battle with.....well, I'm not quite sure what to call it yet. We will find out on Monday if it's something to be worried about or not. However, a tumor is a tumor and it's extremely stressful to deal with. This week leading up to today has been an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm happy and smiling, the next angry with a scowl on my face, and then it will lead to tears running down my face. However, I guess this is normal for anyone facing that they may have cancer.

Today was my biopsy, and I have to be honest that it wasn't as bad as what you may hear. It was not painful, and the only thing I felt throughout the procedure was forceful pressure. Now that I am back home, I am a bit sleepy, so I've decided to spend the afternoon on the couch. So, if you need to have a biopsy done, but you've been putting it off because you are afraid that it's going to hurt, go get it done! It's truly not that bad!

So, now we have another four days to wait until we get the test results. I don't like it that the town I live in takes so long to get test results back. I wish I could have the results before the weekend, but just as my husband waited for his results, I will have to wait for mine. In the meantime, I'm going to surround myself with things I like. One of those things is butterflies, so that is the reason there are butterflies on this post. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

October 29, 2013


For God only knows how long I have been walking around with a tumor in my chest, and I didn't even know it was there! This is similar to what my husband was going through before he was diagnosed with his cancer four years ago. He was going to the doctors for a tick bite! We never thought that he had a tumor inside his stomach and esophagus. Then I go for my very first mammogram to find out that I have a tumor inside my chest wall behind my right breast. 

My husband and I were having a conversation tonight while we were waiting for our dinner to finish baking. I told him how strange it was that when I didn't know about the tumor that I never thought twice about the pains I would feel. From time-to-time, I would get a sensation like a stabbing knife was going through my chest, but the sensation would leave as quickly as it would come. Several times while visiting the doctor I would tell her of this pain in my chest, but she never seemed too concerned, because every EEG or other medical test she sent me for always came back negative. Now that I know about the tumor, the pain in my chest seems to have intensified. My husband explained to me that now that I am aware of the tumor, my senses have become heightened.

It truly amazes me that for the past seven months I have been working two jobs and upwards of 60 plus hours each week, and during that time period, I would have never guessed that a tumor was growing inside of me. If I have one regret about working two jobs, it is that I lost so much valuable time with my husband and son. Time that I will never get back! Yes, I needed to work two jobs in order to pay the bills, but to be honest, our financial situation is no better off now than it was before I started working two jobs. Time with our loved ones is extremely precious, and we should never take it for granted.

I am a day closer to my biopsy, and today was much easier to get through than yesterday except for the pain I felt after I sat down after I put dinner in the oven. It truly felt like a ton of bricks was sitting on my chest, and it was a little difficult to breath, but I pushed through it.

One last ramble, and I am done for tonight. Some people will never understand your journey, because they have never had to walk your path in life. Some people will walk away from us during our trying times in life. We are sometimes the ones who walk away. Don't take things too personally! Everyone is fighting his or her own demons! God Bless!

Monday, October 28, 2013

October 28, 2013


So, we are getting closer to the day of my biopsy. Thank God! All I can say is my emotions are going insane! One minute I am getting teary eyes and the next I feel like I could rip someone's head off in anger. I can truly say that I have not had that, "Why me" moment. Why not me? Thousands of people face this type of stress every single day, so what makes me any different? Why should I be exempt? This type of stress is something my family knows all too well. The waiting. The anxiety. The stress. The avoidance from others. Avoiding others.

I have been putting up walls around me. Blocking people out. Some people seem extremely judgmental lately, or perhaps it's just me taking things very personally because of my heightened emotions. I don't even think that some people will realize that I've blocked them out of my life. One statement that someone made to me while my husband was ill keeps coming back to haunt me, "People have their own lives to live, and we cannot be burdened by what you are going through on a daily basis." My struggles, my hurts, my pains, my weaknesses are not anyone else's responsibility but my own. It would be extremely selfish of me to burden others with my daily problems.

Maybe this blog will help me to help someone else who may be going through a similar situation. Please know that you are not alone. Even though I have made up my mind that if this thing in my chest turns out to be something serious that I will be facing the outcome alone with only the help from my husband and son. I do not plan on telling many people and some may only find out from reading this blog. It's my problem and my problem alone, so I will deal with it and the other circumstances that may follow.....alone! That does not mean that you should deal with your problems alone. Everyone is different, so everyone has to do what is right for himself or herself. What may be right for me, may not be right for you! Only you know what you should do! These are only my emotions and right now they are raging!

October 25, 2013

SO AM I!!!

If you have been following my blog from the very beginning, then you know that I started this blog to remain positive the year after my husband's bout with cancer. I was determined to have the most positive year of my life. Each day I would post an inspirational saying or message in order to keep my spirits high. Some days were easier than others to find the positive, but for one complete year, I did it! 

Then as the time has been passing by and my family has been trying to get back on our feet financially, we have been struck with yet another trial to overcome. You are probably thinking that it is my husband; however, this time, it is me. 

On October 14, I went for my very first mammogram. Since health care policies are changing at the beginning of 2014, my doctor thought it was very important for me to get a mammogram done before the end of this year. So, I scheduled it and had it taken care of on October 14. Two days later, I got a telephone call that I needed to return to the radiology clinic to have more images taken, because something was seen in my right breast. So, on October 23, I returned for a second mammogram as well as an ultrasound, where once again there was something seen in my right breast. 

I have been through so many doctors appointments with my husband that I knew it wasn't a good sign when the radiologist walks into the room, sits down on the chair in front of you, takes your hands, looks deep into your eyes, and says, "I'm sorry, but we found something that is definitely not a syst. Your next step is to have a biopsy."

Really?!?! What the hell?!?! This can't be! It just seems like yesterday that my family just finished up my husband's treatments. So, what is the next step for me? A biopsy on Halloween and then I will receive the results on November 4. 

In the meantime, I have people saying to me, "It's okay. Everything will be okay. Don't worry." Really! Do you not worry when you are stressed out about something in your life. Why am I not allowed to experience my emotions? Why am I supposed to keep my emotions suppressed? It's because most of them have no idea what I may be facing! They have never been through anything even close to this, but I have! I know that if this biopsy comes back positive that my family is about to, once again, book a trip on that run-away freight train, and I don't like it one bit!

I will keep you posted.