Sunday, May 20, 2012

May 20, 2012


Since Easter, I have had myself in a deep, dark hole of depression. It really started the weekend after Easter when my family found out that we had not been invited to my husband's cousin's wedding, but everyone else in the family had been invited and had attended. The wedding my family was to know nothing about became plastered all over Facebook for everyone to see. By the looks on everyone's faces a good time was had by all. However, my husband had a different look on his face; a look of hurt and pain. This is when my depression kicked in. I started to blame myself once again for my husband being excluded from family functions. Because his family does not like me, they will not invite my husband to any family functions. They do not want to be around me, so my husband gets left out. This pains me to my very core of existence. The following thought has been going through my mind for a month now, "The only way my husband will be able to have a relationship with his family is if I am gone."

I'm not exactly sure why I have trouble with these reoccurring thoughts. However, each time I decide to drag myself up out of that hole of depression God sends me the same message, "You are not the problem! Didn't you learn the lesson I was trying to teach you when I asked you to plan that Easter dinner? What is it going to take to get you to see the lesson that I want and need you to learn? If you were the problem, you would have never followed my instructions to plan and host that Easter dinner! You proved to yourself and to your husband's family that you are NOT the one keeping them away from each other! They are keeping themselves away from each other, but they blame you."

Isn't it funny what you learn when you turn on the light, when you crawl out of that dark cave, and you get quiet and listen to that little inner voice that resides from within. I already knew this, but I took those words down into the caverns of despair, and I buried them there and forgot them for a while. I'm not sure why it matters to me so much that my husband's family does not like me. I don't think I really care that they dislike me, I just don't like how they don't treat my husband as part of the family. I guess it stems from being an outcast in my own family, and I don't want my husband to go through what I have been though. Family is so important; however, I cannot force them to accept us.

Whatever you may be facing, whatever has you in that hole of depression, face it head on and don't keep yourself hidden for too long. God made you who you are for a purpose, and if you are unwilling to crawl out of that hole, you are wasting God's talents that he blessed you with. Take one step at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time, and crawl out of that dark hole you may have yourself in!

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