The doctor walked into the room shakes my husband's hand, sits down, and proceeds to tell me, "Well, from the results we received from this biopsy report shows that you do not have any cancer; however,"...However? When you state "however" in the middle of your sentence, you just cancelled out everything you just said before that "however!" It's the same with the word "but." Back to the the doctor's statement, "However, I would like for you to get a second biopsy. I don't want you to have cancer. Please know that; however, (there's that damn word again) I've had three other radiologists look at my findings from your ultrasound, and we all agree that the findings from the ultrasound and the pathology report do not match. We strongly feel that you really need to have a second biopsy done, or better yet, you can have the entire tumor taken out and tested for an even more accurate report." So, there you have it! There are my test results! You are asking, "What test results?" Exactly! I don't have any yet! The final report read inconclusive needs more tissue for a more accurate reading.
Fast forward to today: In the last several days, I have been overtaken with a sea of emotions. One day I want to fight like hell and keep moving forward! Then the next day something will happen, and I will want to throw in the towel. For instance, on Friday, I received a letter from my surgeon's office, and they are requesting a sum of $314.00 up front on the day of my surgery. Really! What the hell! Since my husband's bout with cancer, my family has no savings! I don't have an extra $314.00 laying around the house for an emergency fund! This news sent me into a whirlwind of panic! What was I going to do!
My first thought was, "Screw it! I will just skip the surgery, and just have a second biopsy done." I didn't need any money up front whenever I had my first biopsy done. Then the second thought that came to my mind was, "Yeah, but what if they can't get any tissue samples again? What if I go through a second biopsy and all that pain and the results still come back inconclusive?" So, I had to put on my thinking hat, and I thought, "Yes! I will try to sell some of my personal belongings. So, I put up a little message on Facebook about the struggle I was facing, and I posted some pictures of the items I was willing to sell. The more I thought about trying to sell my stuff to my friends on Facebook the more furious I became! It isn't my Facebook friends responsibility to bail us out of our problems! It's not their fault if we don't have the money for a surgery! That is mine and my husband's responsibility! However, we have no money. All of our savings went toward my husband's medical bills. What was I going to do, so I went to bed on Friday night pissed off at the world and everyone in it!
I awoke Saturday morning in the same mood. Angry! What was going through my mind? I was thinking, "Why are some families worthy of help while others struggle their asses off and sometimes lose everything in the end? Why do our friends and family members walk out of our lives when we need them the most? Why don't people want to help people any longer?" I was getting more pissed off the more I thought about it. I was getting pissed off at the people I knew on Facebook who were asking for donations to fund vacations for themselves. Hell, if people were doing that, why am I feeling so guilty about asking people to buy my stuff? My husband and I had a little chat, and we both came up with a solution or a hopeful solution. We will try to have a yard sale on Monday since it's a holiday, in order to try to raise some money for my surgery. Every little bit will help!
So, that is where we are today. No results yet and no money for my surgery! One day at a time, and I will keep moving forward!