Saturday, August 20, 2011

August 20, 2011


Today I have been trying to figure out the lesson that life is trying to teach me from this car accident. I have been going back and forth with my feelings from complete sadness to anger and then on to bitterness. I personally know that God does not want me to be bitter about the situation, but I am having trouble understanding what He wants me to learn. I thought maybe my lesson was to learn that friends and family members truly do care, because I became bitter toward them when my husband was going through his cancer treatment, because they all stayed away and never called or visited. However, they are treating me the same  way with this car accident as they treated my husband through his cancer diagnosis and treatments and surgery. It's like nothing ever happened. I try to think that maybe none of them truly realize how serious the car accident was, and maybe they do not understand how I nearly died. However, this triggers anger within me, because it makes me wonder if any of them would have cared if I had died in that car accident. This pain I am facing is causing so many different emotions within me, and I am trying not to allow bitterness to well up within my soul. 

While my husband was going through his cancer illness, I had several people tell me not to expect anything from anyone. However, I did expect our friends and our family members to be there for us, but they were not.  My husband had no visitors the entire time he was going through his chemotherapy and radiation treatments. We faced it all on our own. Now, I guess I am expecting these same people to be there for me, but again they are letting me down. Maybe, one lesson that God is trying to teach me is to only rely on Him. Maybe, I am only to put my expectations on God instead of people, because the people in my life continually let me down.

I do not mean to continue to write about my car accident on my blog, but it is causing me a lot of emotional pain. The scariest feeling I have ever had was not knowing if I was going to be able to get out of my car alive. Another emotion I am having issues with is confusion of not completely understanding why the accident happened in the first place. The only explanation is negligence on my part, because the insurance company found no mechanical defects when they inspected my car. Knowing that I am at fault, and I am the reason why my car went out of control is hard to grasp. It makes me to never want to get behind the wheel of a vehicle ever again. I just thank God that my family was not in the vehicle with me.

I am trying not to allow this situation to make me bitter. I want to learn from this situation, and I want to grow in order to help others. However, I am having difficulty with guilt and anger, but the last thing I want is for it to turn into bitterness. Maybe with time, I will be able to find the silver lining and the lesson in this situation.

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